Half agony, half hope

A charming idiot writes about beauty and disasters

Messages that I could not send:

21:00

I bury myself with work because I don’t want to miss you. But I still do. Every single fucking day

22:06

It kills me that I don’t know how you are doing now. Talk to me

22:34

What we did was crazy, but we talked about it and agreed that we won’t let it affect the bond that we have. Well look at us now

22:59

What changed? What are you thinking of now? I want to know.

23:16

I saw something that reminded me of you. Something smelled familiar and you surfaced in my thoughts

23:27

I wanted to go to the movies and eat at McDonalds after. But then I realized that I only ever want to do these things with you

23:40

Do you miss me too?

23:58

I miss you. I think I love you. But I want my friend back first

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I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 48

Some might think that I have changed. Well, who doesn’t change?? It just makes me sad (and angry sometimes) that people now see me as this cold or uncaring person but believe me or not, I became who I am now because of them (or you) and my experiences. Let me give you a piece of my mind:

  • I like spending time alone. I would rather be alone than be with people who clearly has other motives for being friends with me.
  • I seriously hate it when my “friends” here message me to book or buy something online for them when they only message me if they need something! I mean do something about it. Search the internet or ask your host parents to help you. Don’t ask me to buy stuff for you because I don’t have a lot of money.
  • I like comforting and giving advice to my friends when they have problems but at least ask me how I am. I’m happy that you’re talking to me but I get more sad when you clearly don’t care about how I am.
  • I’m cutting off toxic people in my life; because when you’re miles away from your friends, that’s when you finally see who’s worth keeping and who’s not. You’ll notice when I’m cutting you off because you don’t hear from me. Unless you message me, then I will reply. But that’s it.
  • I’m not always happy here so when people message me only to share their problems, I will (probably) be frank as fuck. I’m not going to sugarcoat things for you. You’re asking me for advice, I’ll give my honest opinion. If you can’t accept what I’m saying, then don’t ask me for help.
  • Drinking doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t make you cool. Stop posting about it. It makes you look desperate. 
  • Don’t tell me that I don’t have the right to complain because I’m in Europe. Oh for fuck’s sake grow up will you? It’s not all rainbows and pot of gold here. You’re lucky you’re with your family and friends. You’re lucky to be near them. Money and experiences won’t matter much if you don’t have family or friends to share it with. I mean sure you learn a lot but you always have to go back to your roots.
  • Traveling is hella good but man is it exhausting. You don’t even know the half of what I’m going through just to take really good photos so shut the fuck up.
  • I love Europe I want to stay here forever but my family..
  • People who ask me for souvenirs are just -_- I’m just like, you didn’t even talk to me for months and now you’re asking me for souvenirs?! A fridge magnet here costs €4. I could eat a Burger King meal already with that amount.
  • I really don’t like being a bitch but some people are really testing my patience.
  • Stop making up stories, girl. That won’t get you anywhere.
  • I’ve started to stop sharing stories about my life here because when I do, some deem it unimportant because maybe they think I’m bragging or they just don’t care. It looks like I don’t have the right to be sad just because I’m in Europe so fine I’ll fuck off then.
  • I am so happy when people tell me they’re proud of me. This isn’t an easy journey to be honest. I’ve learned, experienced and seen a lot in just a year. I cried a lot, too. So those words just really warms my heart. Thank you ❤️

I wrote this when I was drunk # 47

It’s a mess again.

I thought I’d be okay

In a new place

Meeting new people

Seeing beautiful places

Discovering new things

Traveling to another country

Learning another language

Experiencing different cultures.

But then

When I lie down in my bed

At 12 am

Crying my heart out

I realize that there’s something missing.

My heart has a hole 

And I feel incomplete.

Maybe it’s the unanswered messages

Or the weekends passing without videocalling your parents

Or the realization that your monthly allowance is almost gone

Or the feeling that you have wasted precious time on something petty

Or the homesickness

Or the guilt of forgetting your best friend’s birthday

Or the thought of your life passing day by day without you being productive

Or the pressure of building your career from doing something different.

It takes a toll on me

At 12 am.

So I cry

And sleep

Because there’s nothing I can do but endure it.

Here I was,

Drinking again

Drowning my fears

My sorrows

And my problems.

I don’t remember when

But I remember why

I resolved to drinking

When things get shitty

And too much to handle;

It was that dreadful night

On a school day in college

That I wanted to numb the pain

Of loving someone

So much

But he decided to leave you

Without uttering a single word. 

The pain was killing me;

I swear, it felt like it did.

So I tried the most clichèd way

Of forgetting your pain.

It tasted good,

Like how his lips tasted

When we kissed.

It tasted dull,

Like how I became

When he decided to be silent.

Still,

I drink

No matter how dull

Happy

Or bitter

Because I found comfort

In this weird liquid.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 46

I was staring at you when you were looking around at the bar.

I felt something weird inside me.

I couldn’t look you in the eyes too much when we talk because you might see through me.

Suddenly everything became so poetic and picturesque;

The way you looked with the neon lights at your back,

The way the city and building lights twinkled as my stomach felt like it had butterflies,

The way you pushed the hair off your face because it had gotten a tad bit longer,

The way you smiled..

And I stopped.

Fuck, this is bad.

I stopped myself because I could not do this to myself.. and I can’t do this to you, too.

I’ve gotten too used to controlling myself that I had to stop and think everytime I talk or get near you.

I had to stop myself from overthinking everything.

I tried not to think of you “that way” and I thought I had it all sorted out but I didn’t.

Oh shit.

The plan was to find a job after college in a field I am passionate about, meet new people, keep my bestest friends close, travel to different countries, find my purpose and, when time permits, go out on dates but hesitate on committing.

You were not part of the plan, at all.

Well I guess you were included in the “bestest friends” part, but now I’m not so sure. 

But you’re amazing. I hope you know that. You’re the ideal guy. You have become my ideal guy.

And this is just shit because I could not do anything about how I feel.

I’m afraid of letting anyone in because of what happened years ago.

I also know you don’t feel anything for me. 

I’m leaving, I’m not sure if I’ll come back in a year or so.

You might have someone special in your life by then.

Never you mind, I’ll get over this soon, I hope.

All I know now is that I’m happier when I talk to you or when I’m with you.

Oh man.

I have to move on before I fall deeper.

Oh shit. 

I guarded my heart

Because it was badly broken.

I spent years to heal it;

Yes I tried fancying guys

Yes I tried flirting again

Yes I tried trusting again,

But trying was not enough.

My heart wasn’t in on it.

Then I reached out to you,

A friend, a close one,

And when others took notice,

I started liking you.

I like you.

I genuinely do.

The walls I built around my heart,

That took years to stabilize,

Slowly opened a door for you

To disturb my peace.

I’m leaving,

I don’t know when I’ll be back

But my heart is full of hope.

That maybe, just maybe,

When I come back,

Your heart’s walls

Would open for me, too.