Half agony, half hope

a charming idiot’s thoughts

I wrote this when I was drunk #53

I have tossed and turned every night

Cried my eyes out unintentionally everyday

And still my heart feels heavy

So heavy that bouts of sadness would not leave me

One minute I’m okay, I can talk to you pretty well

Then another I’m saying too many things that might have hurt you

It’s been hard

It’s really tough

I thought having you back, being able to talk to you even as a friend would make things better

But it didn’t

It made things worse

I can feel you drifting away

I still can’t accept that

My heart feels so broken it’s like I broke up with you

I lost energy to do anything really

I want to leave this place and start over

Everything reminds me of you

I feel so disposable

Even if you said I’m not, I surely feel like I am

Because I was there when you needed someone

I did not make you feel like you’re alone

You said I made you feel what it’s like to be happy again

But how about me?

In my moments of sadness you can’t even help me

I am sadder than I was before

Sometimes I feel like I have to beg for your attention just to talk to you

My heart hurts

I made you happy but all you did was make me cry

I want to be okay again

I want this dark cloud to fade

I just want to talk to you and be with you again

It’s so hard I feel like I want to be gone

I want all of this to be gone

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Day 5, 6 and 7

I am so mad

And hurt

And sad

And that is not a good combination

At all

Bullshit messages

No christmas greeting

No anything

I hope you’re having fun

But do not expect me to be the same when you come back

I’ll go back to my old cynical self

Because I am so tired of giving you chances to prove your words

I can find things out especially when I really want to

And what I found out was really fucking interesting

I miss you I really do

But I am so close to cutting you off of my life

Day 4

My aunt arrived

She’ll spend Christmas with me

I guess that’s nice

She told me about my uncle who had a mild stroke

It’s really bad news

But she called me fat lots of times today

I feel worse about myself

I look at the mirror and saw how bad I looked

Is it why I can’t be loved?

Maybe

I cut my hair really short today

I felt a bit better

But started to regret it after

My sister told me she wants to give up everything she has just because her boyfriend is pressured to be as good as her

I can’t tell her that I don’t have the capacity to be sympathetic

So I tild her to think rationally

I’m sorry I can’t help anyone

I miss you my heart really hurts

I can’t stop thinking of what will happen when you come back

I will probably cry because it will be worse than I expected

I wish my brain would stop

I wish everything would stop

Day 3

I woke up with a bad headache today

I couldn’t go to work

So I slept a lot

And when I woke up I did my chores right away

Cleaned the house

Washed my clothes

Threw away stuff I needed to throw in the bin

Cooked myself brunch

Watched Brooklyn 99

Stopped because one character had the same name as yours

I cried so hard when my aunt told me she couldn’t spend Christmas with me

My uncle had a mild stroke she had to go there

I thought about how rotten my life was

Maybe I was meant to be alone

Cried so hard I was almost screaming

There was too much pain in my heart

I saw a paper cutter and I wanted to cut myself with it

I wanted to but I didn’t because it was absurd

Eventually my aunt told me she will still come here to spend Christmas

So I felt a bit better

I’m crying everyday I want it to stop

There’s too much problems

And then there’s you

I miss you so much

I can’t talk to anyone about how I’m feeling or about our situation

I want everything to stop

Or I want to skip to the good parts already

I’m so tired

I hope you’re okay

Day 2

Today I cried when I woke up

Thinking about stuff that did not do me any good

I found it hard to sleep again

A nice thing happened this morning

We received a christmas basket from the apartment owner

It felt nice

I was so busy at work but I was still thinking about you

I went home at 3 am

Booked a Grab car

Couldn’t send its tracking link to anyone

I wanted to send it to you like I always did

I got really sad

I cried

I drank wine

I can’t sleep

I miss you my heart hurts

I’ll just read our last few messages until I fall asleep

Day 1

Day one and I’m struggling. I cried so much last night reading our last few messages

I didn’t even check my phone anymore because I know no one’s going to send me messages

But last night some of my friends called me, some sent me a message about my holiday plans and I felt a bit better

Today, I don’t even know how I got to work

I didn’t want to look at anyone or anything closely because I might see something that reminds me of you

But an officemate of ours (Mommy) sent me a message at work, telling me that if I need someone to talk to she’s there for me like I was there for her when she needed me

That was the first time I cried today

I went out to lunch with my friends

I was fine

I did a bit of crying when I remember things

But I was still working

Crying

Working

I decided to leave early at work to buy myself a bottle of wine

I found it really hard to sleep last night

I need a drink

A healthy drink that can make me drunk

So I bought one, and saw someone at the store wearing the same polo top as yours

I immediately looked away

So now I’m in my bed

Crying

Waiting for the wine to get cold

My heart hurts

I need a drink

;

Our story is not one that can be told to anyone

We kept everything a secret though some things are already obvious.

I admit I did not like you at first

It was just not a good time for me; I was trying to fix a problem, then you posed as another problem for me

I never reacted well to any guy who admitted that they like me because it rarely happens

I don’t know what you saw in me which is why I was wary of you

I tried shutting you out but you were so patient and persistent

You still did nice things for me even though I treated you like shit

You invited me to places where you’d like to take me, eat food somewhere

Asked to call me lots of times

Which I have always said “no” to

I am still very sorry for that

Eventually, you told me you’re back with her

So I tried to be casual, but it hurt a little because I thought you liked me enough, turns out I was an option

I shrugged that off and continued to be friends with you because I didn’t want any more problems

I realized I liked you a little way before “that night at your house” happened

You ask why I let you kiss me, that is why; I liked you but not that much

You asked me then if I liked you back, yes I did but not enough to admit it

Then things started happening between us

That was when I started missing you

I started wanting your presence

Then I started struggling

Because you’re in a relationship with someone and I’m just someone you have feelings for

I started to regret the times I said “no” to you inviting me to eat out, because we can’t even do that now

I can’t even hold your hand or be so close to you in public

I can’t even be with you when I need you most

I can’t be there for you when you need me

I can’t go to you when I want to

I can’t do sweet surprises even if I want to

And gods does that hurt so much

I am so sorry if I caused you pain or if I did things that bothered you terribly

I’m sorry if this is quite dramatic. But I have dreaded this month so much that I spent a lot of time thinking of what to do, especially if this was the end of it. Two heartbreaks in one year eh? I’ll survive I guess

But I thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for making me feel as if I am the most wonderful person in the world. The months we spent together are unforgettable. I can’t put to words how happy you made me when things in my life are fucked up. Thank you

I just wish we met at a different time, when all would be alright for the both of us. You don’t know how many times I have thought of what would happen if you’ll just stay and be with me. But I don’t know, I don’t think that will happen

Piece of advice, if you love her, stay with her, be faithful and be loyal to her. But if you are having doubts and is tempted to do something out of sorts, it is best that you talk to her and tell her the truth. She may have been shitty to you but she deserves to know the truth

As for you, please be good, be kind and be gentle. No matter how shitty this world is to you, do not ever think of taking your own life. Also, be patient and be more understanding. You are a good person, despite you thinking that you’re not. I may not know everything about you, but I know you have a good heart. It will take you places, I just know it

I don’t know what will happen, I don’t even know what to do. Honestly I would rather just stay with you than be apart but I don’t have any right to demand that

Is this a goodbye letter? You decide. Haha. I honestly don’t want to say goodbye, so if you think the same way please help me decide on what to do.

But if ever this is goodbye though, I wish you all the luck in your career and in your life. I will always be cheering for you from afar. I will miss you terribly; even now it feels as though there’s a whole in my heart. I love you, please be good and take care.