Half agony, half hope

a charming idiot’s thoughts

Messages that I could not send:

21:00

I bury myself with work because I don’t want to miss you. But I still do. Every single fucking day

22:06

It kills me that I don’t know how you are doing now. Talk to me

22:34

What we did was crazy, but we talked about it and agreed that we won’t let it affect the bond that we have. Well look at us now

22:59

What changed? What are you thinking of now? I want to know.

23:16

I saw something that reminded me of you. Something smelled familiar and you surfaced in my thoughts

23:27

I wanted to go to the movies and eat at McDonalds after. But then I realized that I only ever want to do these things with you

23:40

Do you miss me too?

23:58

I miss you. I think I love you. But I want my friend back first

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I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 47

It’s a mess again.

I thought I’d be okay

In a new place

Meeting new people

Seeing beautiful places

Discovering new things

Traveling to another country

Learning another language

Experiencing different cultures.

But then

When I lie down in my bed

At 12 am

Crying my heart out

I realize that there’s something missing.

My heart has a hole 

And I feel incomplete.

Maybe it’s the unanswered messages

Or the weekends passing without videocalling your parents

Or the realization that your monthly allowance is almost gone

Or the feeling that you have wasted precious time on something petty

Or the homesickness

Or the guilt of forgetting your best friend’s birthday

Or the thought of your life passing day by day without you being productive

Or the pressure of building your career from doing something different.

It takes a toll on me

At 12 am.

So I cry

And sleep

Because there’s nothing I can do but endure it.

Here I was,

Drinking again

Drowning my fears

My sorrows

And my problems.

I don’t remember when

But I remember why

I resolved to drinking

When things get shitty

And too much to handle;

It was that dreadful night

On a school day in college

That I wanted to numb the pain

Of loving someone

So much

But he decided to leave you

Without uttering a single word. 

The pain was killing me;

I swear, it felt like it did.

So I tried the most clichèd way

Of forgetting your pain.

It tasted good,

Like how his lips tasted

When we kissed.

It tasted dull,

Like how I became

When he decided to be silent.

Still,

I drink

No matter how dull

Happy

Or bitter

Because I found comfort

In this weird liquid.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 46

I was staring at you when you were looking around at the bar.

I felt something weird inside me.

I couldn’t look you in the eyes too much when we talk because you might see through me.

Suddenly everything became so poetic and picturesque;

The way you looked with the neon lights at your back,

The way the city and building lights twinkled as my stomach felt like it had butterflies,

The way you pushed the hair off your face because it had gotten a tad bit longer,

The way you smiled..

And I stopped.

Fuck, this is bad.

I stopped myself because I could not do this to myself.. and I can’t do this to you, too.

I’ve gotten too used to controlling myself that I had to stop and think everytime I talk or get near you.

I had to stop myself from overthinking everything.

I tried not to think of you “that way” and I thought I had it all sorted out but I didn’t.

Oh shit.

The plan was to find a job after college in a field I am passionate about, meet new people, keep my bestest friends close, travel to different countries, find my purpose and, when time permits, go out on dates but hesitate on committing.

You were not part of the plan, at all.

Well I guess you were included in the “bestest friends” part, but now I’m not so sure. 

But you’re amazing. I hope you know that. You’re the ideal guy. You have become my ideal guy.

And this is just shit because I could not do anything about how I feel.

I’m afraid of letting anyone in because of what happened years ago.

I also know you don’t feel anything for me. 

I’m leaving, I’m not sure if I’ll come back in a year or so.

You might have someone special in your life by then.

Never you mind, I’ll get over this soon, I hope.

All I know now is that I’m happier when I talk to you or when I’m with you.

Oh man.

I have to move on before I fall deeper.

Oh shit. 

I guarded my heart

Because it was badly broken.

I spent years to heal it;

Yes I tried fancying guys

Yes I tried flirting again

Yes I tried trusting again,

But trying was not enough.

My heart wasn’t in on it.

Then I reached out to you,

A friend, a close one,

And when others took notice,

I started liking you.

I like you.

I genuinely do.

The walls I built around my heart,

That took years to stabilize,

Slowly opened a door for you

To disturb my peace.

I’m leaving,

I don’t know when I’ll be back

But my heart is full of hope.

That maybe, just maybe,

When I come back,

Your heart’s walls

Would open for me, too.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 45

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY FRIENDS by LANY is playing on the background. Its upbeat tone did not make me feel any better.

It’s so difficult when you’re very anxious about something and you can’t talk to your friends about it. You reach out to them and they ignore you. It kind of hurts my heart. I try to be more understanding about their situation (school, work and whatnot) and a kind message would have sufficed. But still, when I see them online or have had seen my message but still get no reply, I admit I get disappointed. I tried not to get disappointed by turning off my message notifications on certain people, but it turns out to be even more disappointing when I see that there’s no message waiting for my reply. I just feel like shit. What’s even more disappointing was when I messaged my best friend that no one’s replying to me, he ignored my message as well. How did I know? I saw him online 1 min ago, 2 hrs ago and yet my message from last Monday was still unread. I just needed my best friend man. I needed someone to talk to. Call me needy, but this was one moment I needed them most. Turns out, they don’t care. 

When I ask my friends why they’re not replying it’s not an inquiry. It’s something I do to get their attention. I know you ignored me because you had something better to do. Just. Stop. Talking. Shit. I could take it. I know because I do that, too. When you tell me some lame excuse for not replying, all I say is “I understand” even if I don’t understand it at all.

I know I tend to ignore some people too but that’s just because I feel they’re too toxic for me. I’m already an exhausting human being to be with and I can’t endure any more negativity in my life, so why bother doing the same to yours. 

It’s difficult when you can’t get through a very negative person. They ask for help, you try to help, they disregard your help with even more negativity. I’m dealing with shit right now and I’ve tried my hardest to help, it’s not working, I’m exhausted. Please try to help yourself.

*”This bottle is bringing me down, no comfort for me in this town” – Frailty by Urbanub played next lol*

I still have more than a month before I leave for NL but I feel so nostalgic about everything. This situation with my friends is just one of the many things that will happen in my one year there. I’m so tired. Emotionally, mentally and physically tired. I just want to get this over with. I want to finish all the pre-departure requirements now. Just please release me of all the stress. I’m tired. I want to go home to my family now. Every moment away from them is time wasted. Good Lord is this so hard to take.

I know I can talk to anyone, but there are only a few who I know would understand. But they don’t want to talk to me now. It turns out that they don’t understand me at all. I’m tired of reaching out. Please understand if I cut you out of my life, too. 

I don’t know if it’s all in my head. My heart hurts. My eyes are red. My chest hurts. My heart is beating so loud. My hands are tired from holding them together so tight. Oh anxiety what have you done to me.