I wrote this when I was drunk #53

I have tossed and turned every night

Cried my eyes out unintentionally everyday

And still my heart feels heavy

So heavy that bouts of sadness would not leave me

One minute I’m okay, I can talk to you pretty well

Then another I’m saying too many things that might have hurt you

It’s been hard

It’s really tough

I thought having you back, being able to talk to you even as a friend would make things better

But it didn’t

It made things worse

I can feel you drifting away

I still can’t accept that

My heart feels so broken it’s like I broke up with you

I lost energy to do anything really

I want to leave this place and start over

Everything reminds me of you

I feel so disposable

Even if you said I’m not, I surely feel like I am

Because I was there when you needed someone

I did not make you feel like you’re alone

You said I made you feel what it’s like to be happy again

But how about me?

In my moments of sadness you can’t even help me

I am sadder than I was before

Sometimes I feel like I have to beg for your attention just to talk to you

My heart hurts

I made you happy but all you did was make me cry

I want to be okay again

I want this dark cloud to fade

I just want to talk to you and be with you again

It’s so hard I feel like I want to be gone

I want all of this to be gone

Day 4

My aunt arrived

She’ll spend Christmas with me

I guess that’s nice

She told me about my uncle who had a mild stroke

It’s really bad news

But she called me fat lots of times today

I feel worse about myself

I look at the mirror and saw how bad I looked

Is it why I can’t be loved?

Maybe

I cut my hair really short today

I felt a bit better

But started to regret it after

My sister told me she wants to give up everything she has just because her boyfriend is pressured to be as good as her

I can’t tell her that I don’t have the capacity to be sympathetic

So I told her to think rationally

I’m sorry I can’t help anyone

I miss you my heart really hurts

I can’t stop thinking of what will happen when you come back

I will probably cry because it will be worse than I expected

I wish my brain would stop

I wish everything would stop

Day 3

I woke up with a bad headache today

I couldn’t go to work

So I slept a lot

And when I woke up I did my chores right away

Cleaned the house

Washed my clothes

Threw away stuff I needed to throw in the bin

Cooked myself brunch

Watched Brooklyn 99

Stopped because one character had the same name as yours

I cried so hard when my aunt told me she couldn’t spend Christmas with me

My uncle had a mild stroke she had to go there

I thought about how rotten my life was

Maybe I was meant to be alone

Cried so hard I was almost screaming

There was too much pain in my heart

I saw a paper cutter and I wanted to cut myself with it

I wanted to but I didn’t because it was absurd

Eventually my aunt told me she will still come here to spend Christmas

So I felt a bit better

I’m crying everyday I want it to stop

There’s too much problems

And then there’s you

I miss you so much

I can’t talk to anyone about how I’m feeling or about our situation

I want everything to stop

Or I want to skip to the good parts already

I’m so tired

I hope you’re okay

Day 2

Today I cried when I woke up

Thinking about stuff that did not do me any good

I found it hard to sleep again

A nice thing happened this morning

We received a christmas basket from the apartment owner

It felt nice

I was so busy at work but I was still thinking about you

I went home at 3 am

Booked a Grab car

Couldn’t send its tracking link to anyone

I wanted to send it to you like I always did

I got really sad

I cried

I drank wine

I can’t sleep

I miss you my heart hurts

I’ll just read our last few messages until I fall asleep

Day 1

Day one and I’m struggling. I cried so much last night reading our last few messages

I didn’t even check my phone anymore because I know no one’s going to send me messages

But last night some of my friends called me, some sent me a message about my holiday plans and I felt a bit better

Today, I don’t even know how I got to work

I didn’t want to look at anyone or anything closely because I might see something that reminds me of you

But an officemate of ours (Mommy) sent me a message at work, telling me that if I need someone to talk to she’s there for me like I was there for her when she needed me

That was the first time I cried today

I went out to lunch with my friends

I was fine

I did a bit of crying when I remember things

But I was still working

Crying

Working

I decided to leave early at work to buy myself a bottle of wine

I found it really hard to sleep last night

I need a drink

A healthy drink that can make me drunk

So I bought one, and saw someone at the store wearing the same polo top as yours

I immediately looked away

So now I’m in my bed

Crying

Waiting for the wine to get cold

My heart hurts

I need a drink

I wrote this when I was drunk # 52

As I lie on my bed

Thinking of different scenarios in my head

I thought about what would happen

If our situation was different

I become happy at the thought

Of seeing you all the time

Being with you when I want to

Talking to you when I can

Sleeping beside you whenever I choose to

But I hurt because we can’t have any of that

Your actions and words prove that I can’t be seen with you when people are around

And you wonder why I hurt or get sad or mad almost everytime

There’s your answer.

All I want is to be happy with you

But I think, I’ll settle with “I’m happy for you”

I wrote this when I was drunk # 51

Days pass by so fast

Everything I see is a blur

Tears run down my face

Every night

And every day

Everything hurts

I could not work

I could not eat

I could not sleep

I could not think about anything else

When I listen to songs I cry

When I eat I cry

When I go to the bathroom at home and at work I cry

When I look at something beautiful I cry

Is this what it feels to be shattered again?

I think so

I hurt at the thought of losing the person who made me happy

This happened before

I don’t know why I haven’t learned

My heart aches so much

I want to disappear

I don’t want anyone near me

I am in so much pain nobody can help me

So instead I stay silent, and smile because nobody likes a sad person

I wrote this when I was drunk # 50

How nice would it be

To have someone that you can call

Or be with when you need them

To hold your hand when you’re nervous

Or even when you’re in public

Someone to hug you while you cry

Or even when you need a hug, just because

It’s difficult when you’re not the priority

And not the person they need

They will tell you reasons why “it” can’t happen

You will get sick of the sorry-s because the sorry does not mean anything anymore especially when it’s repeatedly done and is constantly disappointing you

And you just wish that someday

Someday

Someone will come and be the total opposite of these things

I am tired

My heart is tired

I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 47

It’s a mess again.

I thought I’d be okay

In a new place

Meeting new people

Seeing beautiful places

Discovering new things

Traveling to another country

Learning another language

Experiencing different cultures.

But then

When I lie down in my bed

At 12 am

Crying my heart out

I realize that there’s something missing.

My heart has a hole 

And I feel incomplete.

Maybe it’s the unanswered messages

Or the weekends passing without videocalling your parents

Or the realization that your monthly allowance is almost gone

Or the feeling that you have wasted precious time on something petty

Or the homesickness

Or the guilt of forgetting your best friend’s birthday

Or the thought of your life passing day by day without you being productive

Or the pressure of building your career from doing something different.

It takes a toll on me

At 12 am.

So I cry

And sleep

Because there’s nothing I can do but endure it.