I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

Here I was,

Drinking again

Drowning my fears

My sorrows

And my problems.

I don’t remember when

But I remember why

I resolved to drinking

When things get shitty

And too much to handle;

It was that dreadful night

On a school day in college

That I wanted to numb the pain

Of loving someone

So much

But he decided to leave you

Without uttering a single word. 

The pain was killing me;

I swear, it felt like it did.

So I tried the most clichèd way

Of forgetting your pain.

It tasted good,

Like how his lips tasted

When we kissed.

It tasted dull,

Like how I became

When he decided to be silent.

Still,

I drink

No matter how dull

Happy

Or bitter

Because I found comfort

In this weird liquid.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 46

I was staring at you when you were looking around at the bar.

I felt something weird inside me.

I couldn’t look you in the eyes too much when we talk because you might see through me.

Suddenly everything became so poetic and picturesque;

The way you looked with the neon lights at your back,

The way the city and building lights twinkled as my stomach felt like it had butterflies,

The way you pushed the hair off your face because it had gotten a tad bit longer,

The way you smiled..

And I stopped.

Fuck, this is bad.

I stopped myself because I could not do this to myself.. and I can’t do this to you, too.

I’ve gotten too used to controlling myself that I had to stop and think everytime I talk or get near you.

I had to stop myself from overthinking everything.

I tried not to think of you “that way” and I thought I had it all sorted out but I didn’t.

Oh shit.

The plan was to find a job after college in a field I am passionate about, meet new people, keep my bestest friends close, travel to different countries, find my purpose and, when time permits, go out on dates but hesitate on committing.

You were not part of the plan, at all.

Well I guess you were included in the “bestest friends” part, but now I’m not so sure. 

But you’re amazing. I hope you know that. You’re the ideal guy. You have become my ideal guy.

And this is just shit because I could not do anything about how I feel.

I’m afraid of letting anyone in because of what happened years ago.

I also know you don’t feel anything for me. 

I’m leaving, I’m not sure if I’ll come back in a year or so.

You might have someone special in your life by then.

Never you mind, I’ll get over this soon, I hope.

All I know now is that I’m happier when I talk to you or when I’m with you.

Oh man.

I have to move on before I fall deeper.