I wrote this when I was drunk #53

I have tossed and turned every night

Cried my eyes out unintentionally everyday

And still my heart feels heavy

So heavy that bouts of sadness would not leave me

One minute I’m okay, I can talk to you pretty well

Then another I’m saying too many things that might have hurt you

It’s been hard

It’s really tough

I thought having you back, being able to talk to you even as a friend would make things better

But it didn’t

It made things worse

I can feel you drifting away

I still can’t accept that

My heart feels so broken it’s like I broke up with you

I lost energy to do anything really

I want to leave this place and start over

Everything reminds me of you

I feel so disposable

Even if you said I’m not, I surely feel like I am

Because I was there when you needed someone

I did not make you feel like you’re alone

You said I made you feel what it’s like to be happy again

But how about me?

In my moments of sadness you can’t even help me

I am sadder than I was before

Sometimes I feel like I have to beg for your attention just to talk to you

My heart hurts

I made you happy but all you did was make me cry

I want to be okay again

I want this dark cloud to fade

I just want to talk to you and be with you again

It’s so hard I feel like I want to be gone

I want all of this to be gone

Day 4

My aunt arrived

She’ll spend Christmas with me

I guess that’s nice

She told me about my uncle who had a mild stroke

It’s really bad news

But she called me fat lots of times today

I feel worse about myself

I look at the mirror and saw how bad I looked

Is it why I can’t be loved?

Maybe

I cut my hair really short today

I felt a bit better

But started to regret it after

My sister told me she wants to give up everything she has just because her boyfriend is pressured to be as good as her

I can’t tell her that I don’t have the capacity to be sympathetic

So I told her to think rationally

I’m sorry I can’t help anyone

I miss you my heart really hurts

I can’t stop thinking of what will happen when you come back

I will probably cry because it will be worse than I expected

I wish my brain would stop

I wish everything would stop

I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 29

“Pudge, what you must understand about me is that I am a deeply unhappy person” –Looking for Alaska, John Green

This is one of my favorite quotes in John Green’s book. This practically sums up my whole life right now. I am deeply unhappy but I try not to succumb to it because it’s not making me any better. I am deeply unhappy because I refuse to let go of the things that hurt me. I’m trying to be happy, I’m trying to let go. All I’m asking for is that the people around me should accept that I really am sad, that I cannot just ignore that sadness and that sometimes it wants to be felt. I want them to understand that I will have my dark moments and I would appreciate it if they let me be because this would be the time I could assess my feelings and see how I truly feel. Sometimes I feel so empty. Sometimes I’m elated. Sometimes I don’t know what this life is for. But I know it’ll get better. Not right now, but someday. It’ll get better. I hope.

The lucky and the hapless

I find it amazing, how people can find someone that they can spend the rest of their lives together despite a lot of shortcomings and hardships. If you have someone who loves you for every flaw and every beautiful thing that you are, you are very lucky. Some try to find the right person for them all their lives and end up with nothing.