I wrote this when I was drunk # 50

How nice would it be

To have someone that you can call

Or be with when you need them

To hold your hand when you’re nervous

Or even when you’re in public

Someone to hug you while you cry

Or even when you need a hug, just because

It’s difficult when you’re not the priority

And not the person they need

They will tell you reasons why “it” can’t happen

You will get sick of the sorry-s because the sorry does not mean anything anymore especially when it’s repeatedly done and is constantly disappointing you

And you just wish that someday

Someday

Someone will come and be the total opposite of these things

I am tired

My heart is tired

Messages that I could not send:

21:00

I bury myself with work because I don’t want to miss you. But I still do. Every single fucking day

22:06

It kills me that I don’t know how you are doing now. Talk to me

22:34

What we did was crazy, but we talked about it and agreed that we won’t let it affect the bond that we have. Well look at us now

22:59

What changed? What are you thinking of now? I want to know.

23:16

I saw something that reminded me of you. Something smelled familiar and you surfaced in my thoughts

23:27

I wanted to go to the movies and eat at McDonalds after. But then I realized that I only ever want to do these things with you

23:40

Do you miss me too?

23:58

I miss you. I think I love you. But I want my friend back first

I wrote this when I was drunk # 49

I forgot how it felt;
How painful it feels in my heart
And how suffocating it is.
I’m losing my will to move
I’d rather hear movies in the background
And just stare at nothing while lying in bed.
I feel helpless
Not being able to be there for the people who need me.
I feel hopeless
Because I can’t seem to learn from my past mistakes.
I feel anxious
For the things I will do as soon as I go home.
I feel lonely
Because no one seems to be interested on how I am.
I feel awful
Thinking about love; how and when it will come in my life.
I feel like shit
Hoping for something that has a slim chance of happening.
I know what to do
But it hurts to admit it to myself.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 43

Ever felt helpless because you can’t do what you want? I mean my parents told me that I get to choose what I want to do with my life but then, they (parents and older family members) still want me to do what they want for me. I appreciate that they’re only concerned for my future, but then I get sad when I feel that they’re disappointed with me. It only drains my energy, gives me negative emotions and makes desperate for work opportunities. Oh gods I don’t know what to do.

I wrote this when I was drunk #39

For months I have constantly asked myself “What the fuck am I going to do with my life?”. I was researching about finding yourself or deciding which path to choose and internalizing every single thing only to find myself even more lost and confused than before. I consult my friends and some adults but they can’t seem to help me. At my age of 20, I have never felt more lost than ever. How do you find or choose the kind of work that you’d want to have for the rest of your life? Is it okay to leave your family in the province to go out in the big city and try to work there? Have you been lost as I am when you have recently graduated? Countless questions that only I can seek out to answer. I know this but I also want guidance. Direction. I just don’t know how to do this adult thing.

One wish

I was okay before; I lived silently and was not planning on investing my feelings on anyone.

When you introduced yourself, I saw that you were fun to be with.

Well, that gave me a reason to like you.

Love you, even.

But then, shit, you just left me.

And I thought,

“There are people that you’ll really wish you never met.

I wish I never met you.”

I wrote this when I was drunk # 31

I was sitting on my bed with my head on my hands.

I looked at my 2 week old sheets.

It made ripples that matched the waves inside my head.

Waves of confusion and questions.

I wondered what the hell I was going to do after I graduate this October.

Should I follow my parents and work by taking the job offer given to me, way before I entered college, in a field I am not good at?

Or should I just enjoy a brief period of unemployment and do whatever I want?

I got tired of sitting and lay down instead.

I was getting nauseous.

I looked at the ceiling.

Blank.

My life was a big blank.

I’m unprepared.

I cannot live in the real life, yet.

I had so many plans before but the pressure of being the eldest child now finally hits.

So many problems arose these past few months and it seems like I have to make a good.. No. The best choice.

I do not want to be a disappointment to my family, especially to my Dad, again.

I don’t know what to do.

I just don’t.

Even if I ask for help, the decision is still on me. 

I realized now that I only have myself.

That sucks even more.

I don’t want to be a grown up yet.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 30

I wanted flowers, but I couldn’t make it grow.

I wanted you, but I guess you never thought I cared for you.

I wrote this when I was drunk # 28

Some people don’t understand how exhausting it is for me to be around them. I mean, although I’m really outgoing and I fancy being around people, it just tires me easily especially when I do not like the company I’m with. It’s just ultimately exhausting. Believe me, I’m trying my best to not be tired but I cannot control it. I sleep a lot but I’m still tired. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the depression. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep. Maybe it’s because I’m tired. You have to understand it’s not you, it’s completely me and I don’t know what to do about it.

Dejection

I woke up with my head feeling heavy from sleeping too much. I checked the time. It was 12:37 AM. I sighed. I’ve already been asleep for almost 21 hrs. I guess I was just so tired; tired with life in general. I checked my phone. Oh look. 5 messages. I checked my social media apps. Tons of notifications. Wow. This person went somewhere. That person received something. Someone got married. Wow. Interesting people. I hugged my pillow tight and tried to sleep again. The world can go on without me doing anything anyway.